This week's featured column...
Bob and Jane Go to a Bar
By Art Stevens
Bob and Jane were single and alone. Each had gone the on-line dating service route but to no avail. But then one day they connected on line and agreed to meet each other for cocktails. Each sensed that the other’s background, personal experience and neuroses were similar.
They found each other at the cocktail lounge and viewed each other warily. Each of them had gone through this process countless times. Would it be different this time?
Bob: Hi, Jane. Good to meet you. You, Jane, me Bob. (Bob laughs uproariously).
Jane: (already wishing she were somewhere else). That’s very funny, Bob. I guess you’re a huge
Bob: I sure am. Listen to this. Aghh,eee,aghh, ee, aghh. (Bob is now standing on the bar counter emitting a Tarzan like scream that shatters the glass behind the bar. After a few moments of negotiating with the bartender, Bob and Jane find their way to a private table in the rear.)
Jane: Bob. You sure know how to bring down the house. That’s the best Tarzan scream I’ve heard in ages. How is your Godzilla imitation?
Bob: I just love movies. I can see them over and over.
Jane: Well, we certainly have that in common. I’m a movie lover myself. What are your favorite movies?
Bob: I simply love “Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein” and “Bugs Bunny Does Dallas.”
Jane: I love those movies, too, Bob. Are you a “Casablanca” fan?
Bob: Am I a “Casablanca” fan? Round up the usual suspects. Of all the gin joints. There will always be Paris.
Jane: Bob, what do you do for a living?
Bob: I’m a parallelogram.
Jane: Now you’re being funny. Everyone knows that a parallelogram is a symbolic abercenture.
Bob: Say, what? I’m only kidding, of course. I’m a meter reader.
Jane: Our careers parallel each other, no pun intended. I’m an expert on Dewey decimal systems. In other words, I’m a librarian.
Bob: A librarian who loves movies. Who could ask for anything more?
Jane: Isn’t that the verse of a popular song? I’m also a huge fan of the great American songbook.
Bob: Do you like “Night and Day” by Cole Porter?
Jane: I thrive on it. You and I certainly have some things in common. What else do you like?
Bob: I enjoy collecting ants.
Jane: Oh, my God, me too. I’ve never met anyone else who enjoys collecting ants. Could this be the start of something new?
Bob: You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
Jane: Bei Meir bist di schein, I’ll sing that refrain.
Bob: I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill.
Jane: Do you give your ants names? I do.
Bob: Yes, I do too. I name them after Broadway musical characters like Aunty Mame, Sweeney Todd, The Music Man, Jesus Christ Super Star and Hello Dolly.
Jane: Oh, Bob. Is this really happening? After so many dating disappointments could it be that I’ve finally found my match?
Bob (jumping on top of the table) Aghh, eee, aghh, eee, aghh. Me Bob, you Jane.
Jane: (jumping on top of the table). Top of the world, ma.
They embrace and tap dance to “Stars Fall on Alabama”